social issues

i have never been good at social games. The art of making and keeping friends. ALicia - one of the ppl that live down the road with donavon's friends is a good lady and i do like her in some ways. Lately she has been gun ho about wanting to help me in my garden. Yet there really isnt anything major yet to work on. Donavon then told me that its not really about the garden, but she wanted to hang out with me. I like ppl to be very direct. You say you want to weed then we will weed, want to hang out then we will shoot the breeze.
However since that is the way this social thing in this arena works then i do really need to get hay ASAP this week and she is a strogn woman who i am sure can lift a few hay bales with ease. I figured i woudl ask her if she wanted to do that on her schedule. then we would be hanging out.

over the years of things i have gone through i simply dont like when ppl say one thing but mean to imply somehting else. i assume its their own social awkward feelings that lead them to do so. I like ppl to really say whats on their minds good or bad. I truly truly do not think anyone at this point in my life can ever say anything to upset me. Seems my pregnancy moods are waiving tween depression and apathy. rarely do i feel happy or actually feel i give a damn about anything. Also i think its a defense mechanism against donavon. here is what that means....

As a BPD person my mind and emotions can be a problem. I am very tied emotionally with donavon and for almost the last month his job has given him a hard time and he has gone through his own intense moodiness. Thus to protect my own self from fretting over him to the point i drive myself crazy, i simply shut my emotions off.. excpet for inner anger. That one has been with me 2 years now and its was the last thing i was working on in therapy before i had to quit.
This way of coping isnt the greatest btu it works
i do really really think i need to find a new therapist.

I was killing myself and hurting those I love with my anger. I finally realized it was only hurting me and had zero effect on those who I was angry with. It has been a life-long problem for me -- y'know the comments teachers put on report cards? My kindergarten teach said "J is a VERY angry young man". Abuse will do that, as will injustice. BUT that is the reality of life here -- it ain't fair and there is NO true justice! Nothing can fix or cure what the past has dished us... but holding on to it only hurts us NOW. Kat, I KNOW how hard this is -- it is a DAILY even moment to moment decision to let it go. To forgive, does not mean that you roll over and take it, it means you recognize that it was wrong, but in order to heal, you choose to forgive. You have to make a decision and I know it feels "right" to hang onto anger -- it seems like the only thing you can do... but it really just rots you, and makes you less.
It is hard to live in the moment -- but it is the only moment we have to live. The past cannot be changed and it only counts as a mistake if we do not learn from it! Now is the intersection with eternity... it is the time we have to DO something, to leave our mark on other's lives. Joy and happiness are not as much emotions, as a choice.
and yeah, I hear ya... I truly do. It would be nice if we all could be honest and direct... but everyone has hurts and we all have our "defence mechanisms". This gal is prolly just being cautious out of her own fears of rejection.

take care, enjoy the present
in it w'ya
john

Hey guys we're posting at Yuku. If you like I can move this over there