a LONG sad story

I am having a hard time with something right now... something with ancient but painful roots.
After I was hurt, I married my wife. It was NOT a good state of life to make long term decisions... but my future was bleak. I had NO job, NO car, no place to stay... was still on crutches and facing more surgeries. My health was totaled and I was facing two years more of not being able to work and terrible prospects lonmg term. I had no college education and no vocational training... and I was likely NEVER to be able to pursue my business aspirations. I moved in with her one night after I had a terrible fight with my parents and left... and got good and drunk.
Needless to say, my options sucked, as even my own insurance company was being squirrely about paying me for my lost wages, medical care... totaled car etc. The medical bills were heaping up and I had pain from head to toe and terrible sick headaches. I would vomit and cry and wish I were dead. A wise and compassionate ex co-worker gave me some pot to give me some needed relief as the doctors gave me nothing past the recovery room -- I was supposed to "cope" that at age 19 my body had overnight become a nightmare. I even had crippling allergy attacks that left me helpless. I hid how bad I felt and just learned to iron face it out. Pain was a drag to everyone around me. I hated going to things because everyone would tell me how lucky I was to be alive -- what a miracle that CPR had saved me, and that I got to keep my leg. My wife gave me SUCH a ration about "never wanting to go and DO anything SHE wanted to do". We had a terrible fight over the pot with her screaming at me as I have NEVER EVER been subject to in my life. She would work late night at the burger joint and I would wait for her -- there was nowhere for me to go and nothing for me to do. We had ZERO money to the point where we did not heat our house etc. I felt trapped, abandoned and betrayed. I was helpless, alone and abused by her anytime I did anything she did not approve of. I lost all my friends during this time. Pain and loneliness were the only things I could count on. She went whining to a co-worker about how terrible it was that I smoked pot and how unhappy she was as a young bride. He consoled her and used her to jack off in her crotch and to this day I do not know how long that affair lasted. I just know that I HATED waiting up for her surly ass to arrive and bitch me around more. It seemed her prime directive for many years to make me as miserable as she could. Certainly NOTHING I did ever pleased her or made her happy. She constantly belittled me -- every idea or dream. Money was never anything I could hope for. We lived so unbelievably tight.
Now, fast forward nearly twenty five years and I still at times feel trapped and limited. I still never share my deepest fears or concerns -- and certainly NOT my wild dreams. We have worked our way past a lot of the crap... but money and dreams are just bitter pills for me. I refuse to ask for ANYTHING I need around here -- even though our financial outlook would be grim if I had not bought, fixed and sold nearly ten houses – at great personal cost (PAIN!!!). I even rebuilt the house that burned down (with no fire insurance) while living in and fixing yet ANOTHER house. I work hard each day.
Now, she is working two jobs and is having a first real encounter with pain that does not go away. She has been having hip problems and has had her neck give her the type of headache I have had nearly non-stop for the last 25 years. My hip has had the piraformis pain she has. I have had sciatica and severe low back pain, knee pain, nerve pain (sometimes very severe) neck pain, face pain, headache, rib pain, shoulder pain (bursitis, frozen shoulder) carpel tunnel, bursitis and had more surgeries and procedures and chiropractic… and am on a boatload of painkillers, muscle relaxers, etc. (Her little brother pulled a damned muscle BOWLING and he got the exact meds I am on – FOR A Temporary problem! He laid on the couch and I had to sit on a stupid folding chair – I hurt for days after the Christmas party… but I did not whine of go on and f-ing on like her baby bro did. You would have thought he invented pain!)
Now, over the years, my wife has called me nearly every name she can think of. She even called me a “monster” after reading a private e-mail I sent to a leader of a men’s retreat in which I “confessed my SIN” of using pot for pain. I have since gotten medical approval for it… and my wife even helped me by driving me to that appointment (and paid for it). But I am still forced to keep it “the hell out of her way” I make it into cookies or tincture and use it to help me live this life, so it is very low-profile… but believe me I have to fight for the crappiest scraps – the stuff would NOT make medical grade in Europe that is for sure! Rinky-dink like everything else in my life. I never have enough quantity nor quality to really help much with all my pain – like I say rinky-dink hardscrabble bullshit
Well, now that she has a dose of pain, she goes out and buys TWO pints of whiskey and downs them in about a week’s time. Now, mind you if I EVER did that HOW MUCH TROUBLE I WOULD BE IN! It would have been a money thing AND some choice insult/name calling stuff. But me, I say “pain sucks… I don’t blame you for wanting to do ANYTHING to get rid of it!” Next she tells me she wants into my “other stuff” -- this from a person who admits to taking without asking. Now I keep it all hidden and locked up tight. Heaven forbid that I might actually smile and enjoy life without her getting all pissy and mean. I told her “no way!” as I cannot trust her to not go all militant about forcing her newfound morality the minute she feels a bit better like the time before when I had pity on her. That’s right, she tried it and liked it but then liked it “too much” and tried to force ME to quit!
I am just SO MAD right now. I feel so trapped and beat up. I am sooooooo sick of this disease – if you take away the pain I will gladly give up everything else. All I want is a bit of understanding and compassion… I would dearly love some emotional stability… or at least know when/ what I can do to not bring everyone else down. I just want to be cared for… taken care of or at least allowed to suffer my own way.
I want respect as a man. I run this house pretty damned good – right from the shopping to meals, running school and life pretty much on my own. I KNOW she hurts. I take care of her ALL THE TIME. I make her lunches even, so she does not have to lift a finger here. I do ALL the outside chores too (with help from our kids) and keep the fire burning and the bread box full. Haven’t I gone through enough yet?
The only time she pays any attention to me is if she wants me. I'm really turned off and feel cold, distant and angry. I don't want to be this way. I would check out if not for my kids. They have a shot at a decent life

huge hugs and understanding!!!!

John, I know how you feel. It is really hard to live with pain for so long then have the spouse, or significant other suddenly need your support for a temp. pain or whatever. I know that you know that the only thing you can do is to let go of the rest and be the better person. Take that chance, but hold some back. Trust in the Lord. If that trust given to her is broken, again, then you have what you have held back for yourself. But if the problem is given over to the Lord, he will take care of it for you. this is a huge situation, with many layers, like an onion, that need to be pealed back and healed one at a time. You have taught me this, and my life has come around in astonishing ways. With unbelievable results. My biggest sins are selfishness and pride. Always, I try to take my issues back from the Lord to handle (pride and ego) and I always want for me other then what is best for all including the Lord (selfishness). I am constantly reminded of this by the Lord. I truly believe that these are most of ours greatest sins. But when it comes to my pain relief, no one take my herbal remedy (pot). Jack just asked that I don't use his money and keep it hidden; and I respect those wishes. He is a very understanding man, I am too blessed. But I have been around others that just smoked it up without a care of my need and my careful dosing out of it to make it last. A clear and careful and open discussion needs to take place so there is not misunderstanding or misuse of the medication. Pray for direction and it will come Good luck. Also, you have every reason to feel as you do

John,
I just read your story and was so touched by it. I have suffered for many years with chronic pain and know how hard it is. I had both of my knees replaced in 2000 after dealing with being bone on bone for several years, with the hope of finally being able to get around and walk and hike without pain. I was unaware that I am allergic to nickel, and the docs didn't do a test for it beforehand, so immediately after the surgery, both of my knees became inflammed and the pain was unbearable. I couldn't walk for a year and was finally put on oxycontin to begin walking. I only stayed on it for about 8 months because I didn't like the feelings I had if I was late for a dose, but it did get me up and walking. The pain was still there, but I could walk somewhat better. I also had severe degenerative disc disease in my lower back. I finally had 2 surgeries this past year, the second one to remove a disc and fuse my back which has been a blessing. I was just diagnosed 2 years ago with Lupus and Fibromyalgia, which explained all of the other bizarre pain I've been in for the majoritiy of my adult life. I have congestive heart failure and pulmonary hypertension, as well as something called syndrome x, which is a funky problem with the smaller blood vessels in my heart. I've had a few heart attacks and am mostly bound to my recliner. I can't do housework or anything else, so my poor hubby who works 7 days a week as a caregiver has to come home and cook dinner (he does love to cook) and do any cleaning (my house is a mess). I feel his resentment sometimes, yet try to understand his point of view. So many people who think they are trying to help...offer me suggestions like, "you just need to get out every day and walk..etc". Well, for Pete's sake...if I could, I would!!! I don't even have enough air to walk to the bathroom and back most days! The best thing I can do is a lot of positive self talk. I know I'm doing the best I can do. I choose to only communicate with the positive people in my life. It's like eating fish. You take the good stuff and spit out the bones.
Please know you are understood here and we are surrounding you with lots of love and hugs!
I geef you a huggg!