my story

Well, I was abused as a very young person -- a fact that I never even KNEW until about five years ago -- and have struggled with self esteem and depression since childhood. My family moved as far west as you can without tumbling into the pacific -- away from family -- away from the abuser. My sibs were also damaged -- I am the youngest of four. I struggled with suicidal ideas and plans well into my teens. Fell into drinking and pot to hide all the pain and scars -- to stifle the anger. My fam was dysfunctional and my sibs all ran away from home -- except the darling child, my big bro who can do no wrong.
I was finally getting it together, was a young man who was a total dreamer and idealistic as anything... one who "oldsters" loved to chat with, because I was really "infectious, insightful and intellegent" (the words of a mentor). I had my car and I had my girlfriend and spent all my time away from home, hiking and backpacking in the national park that was (and is still) my back yard. I had a decent job and was done with highschool. One gorgeous May day, I was driving to work early -- it was a big day -- and someone failed to stop and pulled out in front of me on the highway. I T-boned him at about 50mph. My little car squished like a bug into the side of his big truck and I slammed into the steering wheel and shifter so hard that my heart stopped. I was dead, my leg mangled with the femur sticking out through my jeans, my chest crushed, ribs broken... face smashed and my neck and shoulder torqued badly. I had a synethesic (all senses jumbled and crossed) out of body experience where I tasted the sounds of the light and had NO pain. Two guys did CPR and brought me back right there on the yellow line between here and there and I felt so cold and so much pain. The parameds arrived and splinted my leg. They airlifted me to the big city regional trauma center and later that day (after my heart stopped TWO more times) they did six hours of surgery to reconstruct my leg. The operation was new, as was the type of rod they installed in my leg -- it was simply shattered with three complete breaks and many small pieces they removed. It took a total of three operations and three years to be "all betta". I moved back in with my parents so my mom (a RN) could care for me. That lasted only a few months before I just left -- too much crazyness.
I moved in with my girlfriend and we struggled for years with poverty (so much for insurance --HA!). Finally after many years, we got a modest settlement and we bought our little farm. We went through a lot, including having an uninsured house burn down. I learned to walk again, learned how to build houses. Lived by buying dumps and fixing them up... but it was killing me.
Now we have been married 23 years and I have been in pain for nearly 25 years. I am a full-time stay at home, home schooling dad to four great kids. I used to have a dynamite ministry doing childrens church -- till gossip about my meds killed it. Well, lemme tell ya, after vommiting for five hours straight, I think if someone said to smoke an oak tree and it will be all betta... it would be done!
I still struggle a bit with my old demons. I am waaaay too sensitive and sometimes can "sense" others -- other times I am oblivious, but still a moody SOB.
so there you go... all my warts
john

Warts or no warts we all here at Hugz love you Pariah. You have been through so much but you are here today. You've fought off those demons, held on to your faith and now you are a fantastic dad and husband. Please remember that.

And remember what Mother Teresa said..............

Quote :

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

You are a survivor man and I'm honored to know you

wow you have gone through so many challenges. but one thing bothers me: you said gossip about your meds stopped you from the job with children? That doesnt seem right and dont ever let that kind of thing bring you down or make you feel less of a person. First off - your meds is part of your private life and its not a crime or bad at all and those who spread the gossip were just wrong. Always be proud of who you are. those of us who have gone through wars in our lives emerge stronger, more spiritual and often deeper ppl than most others who live shallow lives or those who live generally uneventful lives. Once we feel the deep emotions of such horrible times in our lives, we can also on the flip side show the deepest love more than most other ppl. Never forget how special you are.

Pariah. You must know by now I'm not good at words but I agree with what Kat said. Don't let anyone deter you from living your dream. That was so not right

wow, that wqas alot to go thru, but you made it and continue to make it, a lesson foir me as well as others who are dragged to the ground by life

You all are true friends! Yes, we have all been through so much. It makes us who we are. If I had not gone through all this I would prolly be the selfish, self-righteous jerk that I was. Thank God, He changes us!!!
hugz
john

Pariah wrote:

Thank God, He changes us!!!

Yes John He does change us, we might not know it at the time but He's there, He's listening

Kat, you are right, of course -- my meds are my biz... unfortunately our own dear government has lied and smeared good medicine for so long there are many, many good people who truly believe all the garbage spewed by them. Church workers and especially children's workers are held to an unreasonably high standard. I truly understood this persons concerns -- and as a parent I may have reacted in a similar way (if I was no so aquainted with pain). I went 18 years with NO pain meds and NO medical help (NO compassion... just take a Tylenol and DON'T call me!) -- the only thing that kept me alive was cannabis. I treat it with great respect as a God-given help, a serious medicine. And yes, I do have a doctor's approval for it. The gossip needed only to talk to myself and my pastor in order to be set straight. The problem is, I refuse to limp or let on in general to those around me unless I am nearly half dead that pain is my problem. It is a bummer to all those around me and I cannot stifle the joy of living for those around me. So I look and act fairly normal despite all the probs. I have severe nerve pain, degenerative disc, scar pain, severe myofacial pain, migraines, facial pain, constant headache, high BP and some of my pills make me very nauseous. I cannot afford to lose more than five pounds at any given time. Some days I have no appetite and have vommited for five hours straight one day!
I have read every study I could find... every book, every website good bad or indifferent... and concluded it is no sin for me. The most amazing thing is that it does more than ALL my pills combined and seems practically magical in that it amplifies all nerve signals but PAIN. It INCREASES somatic (bodily) awareness -- unlike all the pills which make you very out of tune with your physical self. This is VERY VERY useful in that it increases physical pleasure sensations, making stretching enjoyable and effective. I can do amazing yoga and am very flexible -- more so than at age 19 right before I was hurt! It calms the nausea, increases appetite and stomps migraines and stops nerve pain dead. And, just like the pills, there is no "high" only relief when taken as medicine. I am more likely to be waaay out of it from pain and be truly dangerous without it than with it. Oh yeah, it also lightens up moods and quells depression. I usually eat it, or take a tincture and rarely inhale the vapors (not smoked). It is a real shame our gov has lied -- it used to be the number one analgesic and our own government studied it and concluded that it could help untold numbers of sick people and to deny it would be "arbitrary and capricious". But they did not LIKE that conclusion!
God made it and gave us ALL the seed-bearing plants. It is mentioned many times in the Bible (sweet cane) and He ordered Moses and Aaron to make annointing oil from it. He expected it to be given as an offering, and at one point chastised the Israelites "have you not brought me any sweet cane?"
Oh well. I have moved on and do other things now with my energy and passion. Perhaps one day vindication will come.
be well, dear friends!
john

John, you will get no argument from me! What a sad tale you tell and I believe you have come a long way from your accident. It is so unfortunate that so many are so judgmental and lack any understanding. But to understand they would have to stand in our shoe's and I would wish that on no one. So that leaves only the few of us to try and change what the rest of the world believes.

There is a reason for each and every one of us.
You have been through alot.
I don't think I would have room here to write my story but I might try sometime.
Thank you for sharing yours.

Well, here I am typing on a "new" (donated- used) Laptop on wireless here in the Biiiig city!
Thank you for your responses... sorry it took me a bit. We are here at the big ballet school summer intensive and I have not (until about one minute ago) figgered out the wireless BS. But here me is!!! WAHOOO!

Sometimes I am so techno challenged too Good luck to you and girls! we will be praying for you

I'm glad you figured it out and checked in John. Give your daughter a big hug from me

Short Biography


To Whom It May Concern:

I finished high school at the formation Medicine - Dental Assistant. My next step was enrolment at the University "St. Cyril and Methodius" Faculty of Dentistry where I've graduated 1998.
From 1993 I've been having a form of mental illness which affected on my social abilities (communication with colleagues, friends and family). In 1995 I've lost my father (my mother passed away when I was 14) which was a great difficulty for my normal functioning in the social environment. With my graduating in 1998 I've also shown interest in self recovery by participating in several programs in the mental health rehabilitation and resocialisation. During this period I've met a great number of families and individuals with similar problems and by creating friends and working together on similar issues in the Social Club and at the NGO's I've come to a solution to my problem but this also gave me a mission to help the others using my experience and potentials.
To upgrade my self I visited the program of Fountain House for 3 weeks where the direct humane approach with the people that were visiting the Clubhouse is considered as most vital. This was essential experience for me because it gave me an idea that could improve the rehabilitation of the people with mental illness and upgrade the current model in Macedonian Mental Health Programs .

Above all for me this meant a more professional approach on the problem, so I've participated in several workshops, seminars, trainings and activities in the Macedonian NGO's that are relevant to this issues. Especially this meant creating a standardized NGO's and implementing user-run service,. self-support croup’s promote clubing like more humane model of rehabilitation and resocialisation of people above all (not "patients"). As a support to my plans I've been getting a great deal of pressure from 100 families (400 people) which presents a extra motivation for achieving my mission. My transformation from "patient hood" to "person hood" proves that anyone can start from "crisis" and end to a "career" but it is a process that has to involve the normal functioning individuals and those that have a problem on a same humane level of respect. I would recommend to anyone that reeds my short life story to follow the powerful comment of Mr. Nitzhe "Heaven lies beneath the shadow of my sword".

Sincerely,

Dejan Stevanovic

http://mhinfo.topic-debate.com/index.htm

Thank you for the information and the link Dejan.

terry wrote:

Thank you for the information and the link Dejan.

No prblem terry your welcom to vist the forun and all meber from this comunity are welcome .
in the future i WILL PUT a HIPER LINK TO YOU ARE FORUM COMUNITY and you r eforts and work will be prmoited world wide.. now our forum is still under constuctione .But in the future we are planing to work on Intrent Capaigne for prmotione .Then you will be apart of big comunity

We'll do what we can too