LOST

Greetings! Appologies for being a ghost... I'm really feeling lost lately... with my wife working two jobs the whole house and all the parenting has fallen on me. I never really realized how this would impact me, but I gotta tell you, at the end of the day I'm pretty well done. Since I have my oldest working on school here on the 'puter, I don't even get to take my customary daytime check in... and as I say by the end of the day... not much left. I know I've been hibernating and isolating myself... I know it is not healthy, but I cannot face my own wounds. It seems like I am all wounds... like I have become pain. I lost a dear friend that had a lot of the same pain/health issues. He was about my age and it has thrown me into an introspective tailspin. Anytime I TRY to put it to words, I just can't. I KNOW that I am medically fragile and I worry about my family. I have lived over half my life and ALL my adult life with pain... but even before that there was the pain of being an abused child. I was molested very young and in kindergarten was called a "very angry boy" -- some report card comment for a five year old! I cannot shake the feeling of injustice and alienation I feel. I don't go anywhere or "do" anything because I've been snubbed and labeled even at church. Pain is my inescapable reality -- the only mode I live in. All I want is function and a BIT of relief! I've been very lonely with my wife gone so much... and that does not help. I just DO NOT understand these people who I have helped, done favors for them when they were stuck (some that cost me thousands of dollars) and now, somehow, I'm the outcast.
oh well, lots more to say, but it is 4 am and it is snowing and temps are in the 20's. We are in the middle of a rare storm that may be one of th worst here in 15 years. I know many of you all are prolly in the same situation with the weather. Time to throw another log on the fire and hope we don't lose power!! Take care, all!
john

I'm sorry no one replied to you John. I've been out of town and Brianna has been working a lot.

That being said, I wish I had some words of wisdom for you friend. But I do know that isolation is not a good thing. I'm worried about you. I know you say you don't have much left at the end of the day but maybe just 5 minutes to let us know how you are doing. Might ease some of that burden

I'm sorry you're feeling so lost John. I hope you come back and talk to us

John I too am soo sorry you are feeling so lost; you give so much of yourself, I hope you find your way back soon and find some comfort here

I will try... I will. I'm doing a BIT better today... put on my socks all by myself --yipee! I got my low back loosened up yesterday only to get knocked back in the eve by such intense nerve pain that not even my "special cookies" offered up much relief. I know I should feel blessed that I did NOT die all those years ago -- that I SHOULD be happy in my blessings... and I AM... but nothing is really wrong, but yet nothing is right. I am sad that every year it gets harder to face the reality that I live in an 80 yr old's body. I hate it that my wife has to work sooo much and that my kids miss out on a lot of livin' cuz I'm too sick or busy fighting this disease. It gets to me when even sleep does not give me a break from pain. Mostly it is not the terrible stuff of late... just steady incessant &#^$^%$ that is like being locked in a meat locker and wishing for warmth... but never really having hope of warming up.
there are good moments and lots of reasons to live as best as I can.
till then... hangin' on
thanks for the care and concern -- it means the world to me!!!!

Oh John I feel so bad for you. Do you get outside at all? Maybe a little sunshine

John, how are you today? I know you just had another bad storm, everything ok there?

I hope you can come back and talk to us. I really enjoy your poems

Me too, and the stories about your wonderful family

Thank all you wonderful people once again!
Yup we are snowed in and the big storm has not hit as yet. Supposed to drop another foot or more with wind gusts to 90 ... blizzard warnings are up for most of the state. I did manage to get out and get a bit of refreshment when it warmed up to 28 ish I'm sick of winter and it has not even begun!

I'm doing better in all senses... but still NOT gonna let my guard down (cuz then somethin will wallop me!). I'm trying to "find my way back" thanks for keeping the porch light on!!
hugz
john

I'm glad you found your way back John. Stay safe and warm

Welcome back John, stay with us

Don't stay away so long John. You're really needed here and I admire your tenacity and courage

Stay with us John, we need your insights on things and your poems.

I've had to deal with not only huge storms and tons of snow for the last nearly three weeks... but now my health has taken a big downturn with a whole new raft of symptoms. I'm having to deal with the fact that my disease is more "advanced" than I want to admit. BUT I know that this is just a challenge, and that I WILL beat it. If nothing else it is FORCING me to take care of myself. I'm soooooo used to being the caregiver (full time stay at home dad -- MDW works two jobs and is hardly ever home when kids are awake) so it is hard for me to slow down enough and admit I am sick... far sicker than anyone in my family knows. MDW is not much on nurturing and does not "dote on me" like I do for her -- another challenge.
I KNOW I am blessed. I visited with a buddy I've known since elementary school... he had brain cancer in high school... epilepsy and surgery that was supposed to fix him several years ago went bad. He was supposed to be a vegtable but is a walking miracle. Dang, all the guy wanted was a shot at normal -- normal things like I have... and it puts it all in perspective! There is not much of him left and we say very little because it is such a struggle for him to form thoughts into words. Breaks my heart.
Anyway, we have had fun despite the storms and me being sick (threw up one day for three hours... I have lost 15-20 lbs and cannot afford to lose another five!).
Well, I need your prayers! I KNOW I will be OK... just gotta find my way again and work back to healthy. With your support, I KNOW I can!
Hugz!
john

and many John we are always with you

You got it John

I know you have a hard time getting on here. But I hope you can feel all the love we have for you

sending more prayers your way!!!!

Thank you!! I'm doing a bit better. We get to host a Japanese teacher from our sister city in Japan this week... so I will not have so much time to get worked up about stuff -- and that is a good thing. One day at a time, right?

& for you John

Yes my friend, one day at a time

I've never seen s much water in my life... temps soared from damned cold to balmy and melted the foot or so of compact snow (was more like two feet, but thawed/froze many times compacting it) the snow level went from sea level to 7,000 feet... so all that mountain snow melted too. The warm air also dumped massive amounts of rain -- anywhere from 10-20 inches an about a 48 hr period! We are OK here, being as we live in the hills, but even so, the pond is overflowing the bank... all the drains I have dug are overwhelmed. I even have siphon hoses set up so that the septic pump does not burn up. I turned the pump off so that the alarm does not wake me... but unless we get some relief SOON we are going to be in emergency mode again (still!!). This is NUTS -- NEVER have I seen such back to back wave after wave of storms. But we are lucky as our home is in no danger. Hard to believe just a week ago I was chiseling out the gutters and worried about snow load on roofs (and shoveling off two feet of snow on the woodshed, carport etc.)
So many have lost homes, cars from the snow collapsing structures... and now flooding and mudslides. Interstate 5 is shut down... all the mountain passes are shut -- effectively cutting off the whole westen half of our state from the rest of the country. No roads, no trucks... no trucks, no goods -- NOT good
is it spring yet?
take care it is crazy out there
warm, dry and blessed -- john

Wow John that sounds scary. I hope it stops raining and please stay safe