You'd have to be a New Mexico native to truly appreciate this. And, I am. We also don't spell chile with an I. Regardless, it's funny!
THE NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK-OFF
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s
no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how
true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe
Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced chile taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your drive-way. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are
crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
*****-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
wonder if I AM burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. Take note that I am worried
about judge number 3 . . . He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top
of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
7th January 2009, 09:05
Having spent most of my life in the southwest, I do like hot chilies! It does take some getting use to the stuff 
But he was sure tooting
