A Broken Ragdoll

I wrote this when I was going through a manic phase, it wasn't fun

This way that way up and down spinning 360 then slammed on the ground. Crying laughing screaming out, full of energy then spaced out. Some more tears and then another smile, hopeless for a moment then happy for a while. Every second of every day I am this way, I can’t even control the words I say. Who am I what am I will I ever know I know I’m not this ragdoll that is on show. How will I when will I just be myself because I can’t handle being someone else. Nightfall, the moon does rise a million different thoughts once I close my eyes. Lay there paralysed screaming for silence, my mind is racing but my body is unconscious. Finally daylight and my body awakes, the strings are again pulled, I don’t know how much more you can take. I have nothing left not even my soul, all that I am is a broken little Ragdoll....

This sounds terrible Lost One. I'm glad you posted it and shared with us

Hey but I'm alright now and that's all that matters

Finally daylight and my body awakes, the strings are again pulled, I don’t know how much more you can take. I have nothing left not even my soul, all that I am is a broken little Ragdoll....

Oh, I know this so well! And the roller coaster rolls on and on .....

Terry I hope it slows down for you. I'm doing okay right now with a med adjustment

With the Topamax, I don't go way manic or depressed, just somewhat, enough to make me notice, you know, I either just sleep 2-3 hours on a manic or take a day and sleep all day. But I feel the manic or depression inside. Not as bad, but I know it's there.....I'm afraid if they add any other meds like when I was taking the Lithium, it will tip the scales and drive me one direction or the other.

I checked and one of the doctor's my neruo doc referred my to is on my insurance list (the other one isn't) .....however, one of the doc's he is partnered with is the same doctor that I saw after my accident that said I didn't have Chiari (which has been confirmed twice), that I was faking all of my symptoms, and that my drop spells and migraines were anxiety attacks so he prescribed Zanax which causes suicide attempt 98% of the time in traumatic brain injuries. That was 6 months before I tried to kill myself. Because my insurance ran out he wouldn't do anything else for me and called me a fake. Because of this doctor, I didn't get the necessary physical therapy or other necessary treatment to get all of my skills back, I didn't get any treatment for the TBI for over a year. I am not sure I will be able to walk into that office again - no matter how good the other doctor is And my records are still in that office.... I don't know what to do here

Terry I wish there were other options. I know you're afraid of going back to that doctor but if that's all there is? My heart goes out to you

Let us know what you decide, we care

I think I am going to see if my GP can refer me to an anesthesiologist for the shots; if not, then I am going to have my neuro doc forward all of my records down to the new doc before I get there to add his to what is already there. My neuro has be voted one the top 10 doc's in the U.S. for the last 7 years. I will want my records from him there before I go back - to make that other doc look as bad as his is.

When will you be going? We'll be thinking of you and I hope you get all this "mess" sorted out

I have an appointment with my GP on Tues. but I will probably need a new neuro doc, I am going to have to find a new one there is just no way I can make myself go back to that other office, no matter what....my old records are still there, that other doc could still say anything, I won't take that chance with health. I'll just find a new one...and a new pdoc, still haven't done that and I am still going manic way too often, not as extreme but with this job the way it is or me the way I am right now, take your pick, something has to give... I will let you know what the GP says, he already told me to find my own pdoc, they can't help me there....to many things wrong with me....

This must seem so overwhelming. I'm so sorry Terry. Let us know what's going on

Hang in there friend. Things have to get better soon

I'm going to my brother's this weekend...I was going to work, but I'm not sleeping and he seems to ground me and help a lot, plus it is my neice's birthday and my daughter will be there...and work is a useless cause right now, the boss has me so it is rediculious! I am actively looking for a pdoc today! I am feeling so drained; loosing my neuro, maybe my job, and no support from my new boss, and trying to not go full blown manic....I am so tired...Thanks everyone

Enjoy your time at your brothers Terry. I hope he's able to get your mind off things

Yes, only to get some new things put there! I had fun, and my family is a lot like a circus but a very supportive one it was a great weekend

Glad you got a "break" from it all friend

Thanks Mike, now, if only I could win the lottery and get a permanent break

terry wrote:

Thanks Mike, now, if only I could win the lottery and get a permanent break

Don't we all friend

Yes, but to loose your dreams.....

Or win Publisher's Clearing House. I enter every single time

Me too Lost One and if I win, I'm taking everyone at Hugz on a real vacation, that's a promise