pain, dogs... bodily functions

I’m a chronic pain suffer, and I’m not sayin’ I have to take a LOT of medication or anything, but when I was a kid… a drug sniffing puppy followed me home. Yeah, I have a little trouble with security some times… one dog was sniffing me for like ten minutes… they could not find anything on me of course… but then I farted riiigght when ‘ol sniffer had his nose up my crotch… YEP! Poor dang thing went into seizures… and then a coma. Guess he is retired about now.
Oh yeah, then there was the time when I spit in the gutter and a drug dog lapped it up. I get drug sniffing dogs… but BOMB sniffing dogs? What’s with that? I picture all those dogs, sitting round a card table, knifing out TNT to snort! Pain is not funny, but ya gotta laugh or ya go bokers. Yeah, it makes me live in my head a lot… and then I get the memory flashbacks that everybody said we’d all get if we did all those drugs back then -- YA right! So I get really stuck in 1979 with these memory flashbacks… but they don’t last long … I forget what I’m doing all the time. All the…uh… .
I get dogs, but people really screw with me, ya know? Like I was listening to a couple of people talk -- people say the strangest danged stuff now don’t they? Cell phones in bathrooms… “Hi, hey long time no see, man! How are you! So good to see you! (and everyone in a stall wondering who the pick is peeking at them!!). Heard one that is keeping awake at night… no wait, that is the pain… oh yeah, this guy says to his buddy as they head for the bathroom, “Hey man, I gotta take a sh*#” Woah, weird… what he takes ‘em home and shellacs them for the mantle? I LEAVE stuff behind, thank you very much! He prolly sells ‘em on e-bay. LOOK, I see Buddha! Wow, Elvis looks better in this medium than velvet! Holy cr@p! Five grand for a what? Wait, man I gotta go take a… er… ummm… never mind man!