New Policy to reduce expenses for the year-end closing 2008.
Effective immediately, the following measures are being implemented in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” affiliates.
1.The partridge will be retained for future opportunities, but the pear tree will be chopped down and sold for timber. The pear tree never produced the cash crop anticipated, and competition from low-cost East European orchards is making us less competitive. The partridge will move to a new facility (see below).
2.The two turtle-doves have failed to respond to continued feedback and progressive discipline regarding their overt workplace romance, and they will be dismissed. Their positions will be eliminated.
3.In a more controversial move, the three French hens will be retained. After seeking legal advice, we determined that terminating the three French hens would incur an unduly high risk of a lawsuit for foul dismissal. However, their job title will be changed in our computer system to “Freedom fowls”.
4.The four calling birds will be replaced by a 24-hour call center based in Manila. A generous severance package including a year’s supply of throat lozenges will be provided.
5.The five golden rings have recently appreciated in value based on the spot price for bullion. They will be sold to realize a profit, and the proceeds invested in a new hedge fund. (The hedge will become the new working environment for the partridge in lieu of the pear tree.)
6.The six geese-a-laying were introduced in the notion that internal competition would generate a higher overall level of productivity within different areas of research and development. The geese will be subject to relative ranking assessment, and the two least productive will be terminated and served as Christmas lunch to the lords-a-leaping.
7.The seven swans-a-swimming was an experimental design concept intended to provide a tranquil view for employees overlooking the water feature. Frankly, screen-saver technology has moved on today, making this feature an expensive luxury. Arrangements are being made to train the swans in other strokes to enhance their outplacement.
8.The eight maids-a-milking has been the subject of intense scrutiny by the Equal Opportunities Commission, who alleged that we have intentionally “beefed” up our female employee base in areas of stereotypically female tasks. Frankly, the issue was that two militant maids consider this a dead-end job. In anticipation of a negative result for this audit, we are currently seeking approval to create new gender-neutral positions, such as a-mentoring, a-selling and a-word-processing.
9.Nine ladies dancing has been the cornerstone of the company’s drive for employee fitness, as these ladies have hosted daily aerobics classes. They will all be promoted.
10.While ten Lords-a-leaping has been a long-standing tradition, harsher economic times have forced us to reassess the business benefits of this activity. The plain fact is that these Lords have received huge annual salary and bonus plus outlandish titles for far too long. They will be offered the opportunity to retrain and join the ladies dancing and provide alternative keep-fit activities. In recognition of the passing traditions they have brought to our company, they will enjoy a traditional Christmas lunch of goose (see above).
11.The tough decision has also been taken to outsource the eleven pipers piping and the twelve drummers drumming. You will recall the days when we had only four of each, and then the drummers drumming insisted on adding one more drummer. This caused jealousy in the pipers piping, who in turn swelled their ranks, and the ensuing annual spiral has gone out of control. This is a classic case of organizational redundancy and inefficiency, hence the decision to outsource in an operation codenamed “Pipedream".
16th December 2008, 07:52
